words can’t express

my lovely, lovely, lovely friend

this is my friend, zoltan tolnai.

he died two days ago. from cancer. i want to get that out of the way first because that is not what i want to talk about.

he was A WONDERFUL MAN.

i used to talk a bit (i believe it was on the porch), about how i was involved with a psychedelic-trance community in ottawa while i lived there. that’s how i met zoltan – MY GOD what a phenomenal dj he was. he was like this (bigger than) gnome-like man…something magical and wise around his eyes, and his big grin. it probably helped a little that he had a hungarian accent and was a bit older than most of us.

the way our community worked for me (because it was huge) is that, you’d be friends with a group of people, and sloooowly start hearing someone’s name. you’d think to yourself, “i think i need to meet this person. that is what the universe is telling me.”
then you’d meet them. and the serendipity would be amazing…

that’s what happened with z and me. i LOVED his sets, freaked out about them, and then i met the man (honestly i couldn’t believe that he lived in ottawa). soon, he would search me out on the dance floor.
“why aren’t you dancing? i love when you dance.” 
or
“you make me so happy when you smile. you should smile more.”

i mean, this guy once BOUGHT ME A TICKET to an out-of-town festival, found me walking down a downtown street in the car that he was riding in, told me he’d bought me the ticket, and convinced me to hook up with all my friends when i was sure i was going to be working that weekend.

no ego. all heart. all sweet smiles and good times.

and i can’t believe he’s gone. i can’t believe he almost didn’t TELL anyone that he was going into the hospital for what turned out to be the last time.
i’m so glad the notice went out (on facebook! lol) and he wasn’t alone when he crossed over.

some day, my friend, i will write you the memorial you so deserve. because you deserve some mad, magical poetry, and not just something that is bred from my raw heartstrings. you deserve a composition. but for now, i have to get back to my essay writing…which i know you’d want me to do. i have to keep living.

but the hole where you used to be really hurts.
i’m so sorry i didn’t get a chance to get down there. it had been too long.
i miss you and i love you.

love your butterfly

~ by bee on November 19, 2008.