life is beautiful.

Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.
– Dr. Seuss

to set the mood:

this is one of my top-5 songs for the summer of 2009. (i don’t know if anyone else does anything like that). i don’t even really LIKE ben harper all that much. (no offense to him, he has a great voice and a compelling aspect to his talent, but it’s just not my regular bag of music). but this song made it onto the iPod at work after my boss FINALLY updated the songlist a few weeks ago, and the first time i heard it, i froze and everything in me went cold and listened. i can’t give you a reason why i love it so much, but it’s definitely a part of my soundtrack.

this past week….so much has changed. i wanted to write here so much, to talk about it, and yet what was happening was so fragile and new and weird and gorgeous that i couldn’t. i needed to give it silence and space, to let it find a place in my world to root itself.

the days are bleeding into each other. it’s a cliche to say that, but at the same time i understand now why it’s said so often: each day has elements of the day before: they are full of friends and love and work and things to do and puppies and the constant CONSTANT cleaning.

i am full of this irrepressible joy. THAT has not changed. i cannot believe how happy i am to be occupying this space right now. my life is good. good in the sense that it is nourishing: i’m reading the most amazing things; working on an article about something that is so challenging and inspiring to me that words can’t express it; i take care of 9 babies that run towards the sound of my voice when i say, “good morning, babies!” and just want to be held once they stumble across my toes.
my spirit, or my mojo is back. it’s reminding me that i really like who i am. lord knows i’m human and i make my share of mistakes (PLENTY)…but i’m having fun with me.

it’s been such a long time since i could say that, or since i’ve felt that.

so. now i try and talk about what’s happening.

first of all, i’m moving. leaving montreal. i felt like it was necessary, after the break-up. plus, i’ve lived here long enough for school and i have this gypsying heart. i want to live in a lot of places and travel lots of places and there’s something that feels somewhat stultifying about overstaying my welcome. not that i’m not completely besotted with montreal right now. because i am. montreal in the summer is just completely, take-off-your-pants charming and my friends are just LOVELY and work is fine…and there is a part of me that wonders if i’ll be missing out by leaving, but then i think, “what will i be missing if i don’t?”

so. obviously, with 9 puppies and a debt, i can’t leave right away. but the puppies will take care of the debt, and hopefully i’ll be able to start saving madly for my escape, so countdown begins in another month. i have an idea, obviously, of where i’m going to end up for the next year. i’m only planning on staying where i’ll be moving to for a year, give or take, because the eventual goal is to “go west, young bee”, so the city i’ll be joining is full of friends and family that we (by that i mean my dog, my cat, and myself) can room with, in order to save up cash.

my heart just twinged a bit. i love the puppies. i love my bee-hive… but everything changes. and i’m also excited.

there is something else. i’m choosing, for now, to not talk too much about my love life, as there isn’t much of one beyond the occasional sexy flirtation with old friends and new ones. it feels good to be a bit more confident in my attractiveness, as i was very very insecure about that when i got out of my relationship. (also, the stress of the ending of that relationship wrote itself on my face and in my demeanour; lately, i’ve been mistaken for being in my early 20’s rather than in my early 30’s, and i tend to chalk that up to how light and relaxed i am now that i’m on my own).
i’m also pretty sure that i need to be on my own for a while. i’m not saying silly things like, “i’ll be celibate for a year” like my friend rachel wants me to do, as i want to stay open to each moment, but when i realized exactly how much of myself i lost, or forgot about, or ignored, in the past 3 years, and how much i like who i am, i want to ground in that. i want to make sure i won’t lose me again. i want to be comfortable with being myself so that i don’t just up and drift away when a cute boy looks my way.

but.
there is someone very special, who i’ve known and called my one of my best friend/soulmates for many years, and our relationship is changing. i was COMPLETELY surprised and taken aback when it initially happened, but it also completely makes sense to my heart. i’m trying to resist the “well, we’ve known each other for 5 years” pull of wanting to follow my intuition pell-mell into whatever it wants, and to give this HUGE thing time to grow and develop in a soft space, so that it has a chance of being healthy, but it’s so hard when it’s exciting to me.
let me just say that i’ve known i’ve loved him for a long time, and i’m starting to realize in what ways.

life is so beautiful. i’m letting it take me rather than telling it what i want…and it’s so beautiful. much better for me this way.

how are you??

~ by bee on August 2, 2009.