containing multitudes

Clear and sweet is my soul, and clear and sweet is all that is not my soul. [...]
Welcome is every organ and attribute of me, and of any man hearty and clean,
Not an inch nor a particle of an inch is vile, and none shall be
less familiar than the rest.
-walt whitman, “song of myself”.

at around 10 pm, wednesday july 8, i got home from work to find my couch destroyed.

i’d taken the cover off and shoved it underneath the desk before i’d left earlier, just as i’d shut my bedroom door, just in case daisy went into labour while i was gone. i didn’t want afterbirth all over my things. i didn’t anticipate that she would slit the canvas covering, pull out the foam, and scatter it everywhere in the attempts to make a birthing nest.

i stood in the front door, my mouth agape, and said to her, “um…what the fuck did you do?” then i noticed the expression on her face. she looked terrified, and stood, braced, on the blankets i’d set up for her like she had no idea what was happening. i went over to her and put my hands on her (huge) belly and felt a powerful contraction shimmer through her.

i told her to hang on, that i needed beer for this, and ran to the depanneur on the corner. by the time i’d grabbed and paid for a couple grolsch, and ran back, she’d dropped the first puppy.

over the next 3 and a half hours, she had 8 more.

so the room formerly known as my “t.v. room” has been turned into puppy central.
just like any newborns, they’re not doing much yet beyond sleeping and eating. they’re so new that they’re not even peeing yet. they murmur a lot in their sleep, or “sing”, and twitch. their eyes won’t open for another week or so, (give or take), so right now i’m enjoying the fact that my house isn’t over-run with (9) four-legged creatures.

i’m reminded of that saying, “a house isn’t a home until it’s witnessed a birth”, and i must say, there is something incredibly healing and peaceful about this time. i wasn’t necessary at the birth, but now i’m needed a lot: to make sure all of them get their chance to suckle (not just the strongest ones); to let daisy outside multiple times a night to pee (she, like any breast-feeding mama, is eating about 4x her weight right now, and that translates to a lot of midnight visits to our neighbourhood block); to rearrange the puppies and get them used to human voices and hands.

i had booked 4 days off work, intending on being at a music festival, but as it turns out i get to share this very special time with my own “family”. it’s good. it takes my mind off of other things.

i wonder if break-ups are always messy. i think that’s why i hate them. if it was up to me, they wouldn’t be: i’m friends with all but (now two) of my exes. yes, it took time, and yes, it took effort, but all of them i can consider friends, people i can call when i’m in their cities for beer and a visit, a hug, a place to stay.
i’m very lucky that way.

this latest isn’t going like that AT ALL, and i’m resigned to it. i doubted, from the very beginning of our relationship, that if we truly broke up, field wouldn’t have it – i think that’s why i tried to smooth over every single conflict we had (selling myself out in the process). the few times we spoke about former partners, i learned that his strategy was complete avoidance, and that frightened me. i didn’t like thinking that i would be one of the women whose neighbourhoods he simply would not go to, out of fear that he’d run into me.
but here we are.

and it’s fine, for the most part. i really feel that things started disintegrating for us when i started a) listening to that little voice inside me and b) sticking up for it. becoming more myself, asking him to please treat me this way or not to treat me that, caused a huge divide; arguments; and this unfathomable, uncrossable distance. i still look at certain things i did towards the end, gestures meant to placate his temper, and cringe, wonder how i could possibly be so untrue to myself.
so on the one hand, i feel good that he’s gone. if i was trying to respect myself more and he couldn’t deal with that, then it’s good.
on the other, i really miss my best friend.

but the best friend i miss has been gone for a long time…that’s another thing i realized. when he went away, last fall, that was the last time i truly remember seeing him. he started moving away emotionally almost immediately – and it definitely picked up speed after the winter. i could sense that, tried to talk to him about it, made myself crazy and exhausted over it, and he never quite saw what i meant, until the very last weekend.

by then i didn’t know who he was, and he didn’t know who i was, either. my best friend had become this stranger – someone who used to know exactly what to do to comfort me, couldn’t. and that hurt.
probably more than anything else.

and of course, opinions come out of the woodwork after a break-up. you finally get to hear everything everybody’s been dying to say to you for however long you’ve been a couple.
it’s been hard to hear.
most people are glad.

which makes me feel even more insecure in my judgement of character.

because there is this one issue left between us. a big one, one that will ensure that there is no closure between us until it gets resolved. i’ve tried to communicate with him about it, and have gotten no response. i’d love to keep his friendship, sure, but if he wants to go he “completely separate lives” route than we need to hammer out some details and move on from there.
and his silence makes me wonder if i was wrong about him, if the last 3 years were essentially false and dishonest.

oh god, i hope i’m wrong.

but…and this sounds silly, maybe, but daisy and her puppies remind me of what’s important. she, and they, are these endless wellsprings of love that i am so happy and privileged to midwive. i’m excited to throw them a “puppy shower”, and find them good, loving, stable homes. to help them grow into healthy, chubby, buddha puppies.

i am containing multitudes right now. my heart is bruised, a little, but there is so much peace and life, as well. it’s a crazy conjunction.

here is a song that i’ve been listening to a lot of lately.

in a weird way, it’s becoming the song that is the touchstone for who we used to be. who, i guess, i used to be. even though the wilderness is the last place you’d find him, it reminds me of him.
into the wild really affected me when i saw it.
you can learn more about chris mccandless here.
Have no fear
For when I’m alone
I’ll be better off than I was before

I’ve got this light
I’ll be around to grow
Who I was before
I cannot recall

Long nights allow me to feel…
I’m falling…I am falling
The lights go out
Let me feel
I’m falling
I am falling safely to the ground
Ah…

I’ll take this soul that’s inside me now
Like a brand new friend
I’ll forever know

I’ve got this light
And the will to show
I will always be better than before

Long nights allow me to feel…
I’m falling…I am falling
The lights go out
Let me feel
I’m falling
I am falling safely to the ground

~ by bee on July 12, 2009.