bathrobes

i think i’m ready to start blogging again.

here.

i like this space. blogs are like comfy bathrobes…i have issues throwing them out, or buying new ones.
i like the name and what it signifies to me.

i was being self-conscious before. the end of a relationship, a big one, will do that…especially if the other person knows the address of the page where one has been known to record inner-most thoughts. i wanted to be private, to protect my inner-most core, i wanted to refuse entry.

i was being a bit self-important, i think. we passed the expiration date on our friendship in quite a spectacular way; neither of us will be hunting the other one out any time soon.
like, in this life time.

which is….you know, not one thing or another. it just is.

and if he wants to read, well – he will.

i’m not going to start writing tonight. my eyes feel hot with fatigue; i still have to walk my girl; i have to be up early and in another neighbourhood for work tomorrow morning. but soon.

i have all these story ideas lying like ropes in my notebook. some are pages long, fleshed out with characters and an apparent plot arc. others are simply images, snatches of conversation…i feel the nerve endings in these fragments. they are alive and hissing to be translated…but they aren’t coming just yet. i feel like i need to blog a bit – journal a bit – to get at the true work.

i haven’t been able to get rid of my bathrobe. i only got it a few christmases ago, but it’s always covered in pet hair, and daisy chewed a hole in the back of it. i feel scrubby when i wear it: sort of ashamed; there’s this part of me that wants to be so clean and put-together, while the reality is way more stained than that. the fact of the matter is, the thing is so incredibly soft. when i actually have the belt put on it, it feels like i’m wearing my baby blanket. i feel safe, and even though it was given to me by my stepfather’s “new” wife, like my mom is around when i wear it.
when i wear it, i’m glad i live alone….and yet, i love it.

so. keep the bathrobe, keep the blog. messiness and all. claim it; work through it.

stay tuned.

~ by bee on July 2, 2009.