transition

i’m back.

the past few months i tried to post every once in a while, but it never felt right. there was so much going on that i couldn’t put into words. briefly: i lost a few friends (one to cancer, one to a car accident); became dangerously poor (which is really stressful for me because i don’t have the best credit, so i can’t get any loans from the bank, nor do i have parents i can get an emergency donation from); juggled my two jobs and my four classes. had a few health problems of my own.

i didn’t break down, but i became so stressed out and down that i wasn’t a lot of fun.
nobody has to be fun all the time, i know that. but i felt weird about coming back to this space freaking out.

anyway. yesterday it ended. i wrote my last exam. i got one of my final assignments back from that same prof; i got an A. so i’m hoping i can extrapolate that mark and know that all my sacrifices the past year for this degree were worth it.

i spent the night getting drunk on campari (not something i’m ever going to do again. it was something i’d never tried before and yeowza, does it taste like ass) and leaving a lot of messages for my friends.

see, i broke up with f. last night. i don’t know if our friendship will be able to continue. we had made plans a week ago to hang out yesterday, and something i guess happened on his end a few minutes before i emailed to confirm that we were still getting together. he told me he couldn’t, and asked if we could reschedule.
this happens a lot with him. once or twice would be fine. over and over makes a girl pretty insecure.
so, we stumbled into an argument, because for once i stood up to him. voiced my anger (which was more hurt, but whatever).
he got angry back. he doesn’t like it when i get defensive.
we sent a few emails back and forth, angrily.

then he said : “I’m just going to go away. Or stay away or whatever. [...] Congrats on your graduation. Congrats on your finishing something that took a lot out of you. Now, leave me alone.”

to back up just a little bit, a few days ago i had a few doctors’ appointments. one was with this therapist i am going to be doing some work with. we really got along, in the sense that he immediately got me: “no. you’re not afraid of letting go. you’re desperately afraid of being alone. there’s a difference.”
the fact that he was able to see me so clearly, so immediately, was good for me. and cathartic. i spent a lot of time crying. and then spent the rest of the day feeling like a human punching bag. which i often do, in therapy, which is why i often avoid it.
but anyway. the therapist had earlier sent me home with some ‘homework’: to become clear about what i wanted out of our time together. i came back with an answer…that i wanted to be able to be more functional when my ’shit’ comes up. to not let it flood me and freak me out and stress me out. to be able to maintain perspective, and also, to get more solid self-esteem. then the doctor said to me, “why don’t you tell me what you want to be able to deal with?”
and i raised my eyebrow, snorking back all my snot, and said, “point form?”
so i gave him a quick list of everything.
and he looked at me and said, “so. you’re telling me that you’ve lived through one hell of a lot of trauma. it’s no wonder you’re fucked up.”
and i asked him if it would go away. he said no. he said i’ll be able to manage it, but i’ll always be dealing with it.

(crying a little now)

i told you that bit about the therapist to explain my reaction to that (final) email from field. i interpreted it as permanent. my family was REALLY fucked up, in lots of ways, my mother was REALLY fucked up in lots of ways, and i find in times like these that i revert to that modality, her coping mechanisms. if she got upset with me, five minutes later she would be knocking on my door trying to make things right.
that’s not exactly where i’m going with this – he thinks whatever he thinks, i think whatever i think, but i do think in this instance i had every right to be upset and to express that – but that we NEVER said “that’s it.”

so. he wants to be left alone. and i read over our exchange and it became so apparent that even though we were never actually together again, i was hoping for something way different than he was offering, at the finish line. i wanted to be closer. i wanted to be the person he leaned on. his best friend, his lover…i wanted to be his partner. his idea of what that role entailed was different.

i’m not sure, though, if i was over-reacting. if that email meant permanently, or for a while. i know that it’s no longer healthy for me to think that i can be the woman he needs. i’m willing to be his friend. i don’t want to lose such a kickass friendship, that’s lasted for so long. anyway, i didn’t (right away) leave him alone. i wrote him a few emails. left him a message. basically to try and leave a line of communication open, if he should choose to use it. also to wish him well.

bah, this is so weird. i graduated (even though apparently it’s not official until i convocate, but it felt like a release yesterday) and this happened, all within 6 hours.

talk about a transition.

i’m not sure if i can maintain this space right now. i guess i’m blogging as i feel. but i just wanted to check in and say that i’m in the rest of my life now.
and i’m kinda scared.

~ by bee on April 29, 2009.