brick wall

last week, i got a 2-line email from concordia informing me that i’d been rejected for their m.a. program. this week, i got a much more nicely worded email from ubc telling me the same.

i’m feeling the resulting complete lack of motivation to finish my semester. an encroaching “meh” in terms of the ridiculous amount of reading i have to do, the assignments i have yet to complete….i really don’t have to be here. my g.p.a. is now at the minimum required for grad school; i have all my courses; and since i don’t seem to be getting into any of the grad schools (yes, i have 2 left to hear from: university of toronto – yeah right, i never thought i’d get in there – and university of guelph at humber, which is actually not in guelph but toronto) i wanted, there just doesn’t seem to be much point.

i don’t even feel like writing. i’m too burned out. i scribbled down an idea a few days ago for the first time in a month, but now i’m behind in school (because of the meh), and so my actual responsibilities are taking precedence. i’m tired. i’m tired, and now i have a loan debt to deal with, and it looks more and more likely that rather than kickstarting a new adventure in another city, i’ll be staying in this one, in this apartment.

there are upsides to this. i have an in, i believe, with the emsb (english montreal school board) in order to start substituting at the very least. apparently, you don’t have to have a B.Ed in order to start at certain school boards here. teaching will give me an opportunity to, if i live frugally, pay back my loan and perhaps save a bit for my next move. i won’t have to incur all the debt from changing apartments and or cities or whatever.

the crush? not so much a crush anymore. i honestly can’t read him too well, but the more we hung out (3 times, i believe) i realized that we weren’t for each other. i hate repeating myself….that’s the bad thing about having an almost-photographic memory: i remember what i’ve told you about myself or what’s going on with me, and when i give you my number i expect, if you like me, that you’ll remember it. i’m not about to waste my time on someone who can’t do these things, even if he is extraordinarily hot. i’m sorry. too many fish, or whatever.

field is here for the weekend, except not really with me right now. it isn’t the “bestfriendapalooza” (2 days of uninterrupted, after 4 months apart, best friend time, replete with tattoo-getting and club-going and dr. who watching) that we both needed. it’s “something came up” so he came over for a few hours last night and might come over for a few hours today and then he’ll fly back to victoria tomorrow.

i checked my email last night after he left, so he doesn’t even know about the ubc thing. i’ll tell him later.

randy pausch says something about how the brick walls are there to keep out the people who don’t want something bad enough. i think i’ve hit mine, and i don’t know if i have the strength to bash through. or even what i’m bashing through for.

~ by bee on January 31, 2009.