all of my love, all of my love, all of my love

i’m here, i’m here, i’m here….i swear.

it’s been FOREVER since i posted. i know. i’m sorry. i miss all of you, and i do check all of your blogs pretty much daily. often, you can’t even tell i was there, but it’s part of my morning coffee-wake-up-ritual.

happy new year.

this is going to be all over the place. there are certain things i really want to tell you.
first, i don’t mean to leave the blog for long, ever. but LIFE has been happening lately. again. the last time i wrote, i was in the middle of finishing up two grad applications, writing i-don’t-want-to-think-about-how-many essays, and working two jobs. when the brunt of that ended on december 15th (once i mailed off the two apps), i sat on my couch almost comatose for about 5 days, drinking beer when the sun went down and watching as many seasons of house as were available at my video store.

december 20th was my friend zoltan’s memorial psy-trance party in ottawa. i of course couldn’t miss that, but i also couldn’t peel myself off my own couch until 5:30. so i got to the bar by 10, (there’s a bus that leaves montreal every hour, i could only get on the 7 pm. bus, so that meant i got to ottawa by 9:30), danced myself SILLY for 5 hours, went to the after party, and then got back on the 7 am bus to go to work at 9:45.
that was AN INSANE party for my lovely friend. he was a non-conventional person who left no instructions, really, as to what he wanted to have happen to his remains before they were shipped back to hungary, so my friend flora found an appropriate vessel for him in what the crew started to call the cosmic bowling ball. which is exactly what you’d think, except a lot lighter. so his ashes were right there in front of the d.j. table the entire night, soaking up our love and our howling cat calls and the throbbing beats on the floor…..
…wait a second. i should explain something. psy-trancing LOOKS a lot like “raving” (you know, the zoned out kids with soothers in their mouths or what have you, who are snorting coke off each other and just acting like idiots). psy-trancing involves a lot of the same deco – fluo paintings and the like – and has a certain subtype of trance, but for my crew/family, and a lot of others out there, there is a spiritual bent to the dance. an attempt to raise energy, for a certain purpose; an attempt to get into a spiritual trance through dance.
so, yes. a lot of energy was raised that night. twas beautiful and inexpressible.

and the next day i was at work. EXHAUSTED.
and then i go home after 10 hours at the store and pack, because wouldn’t you know it, daisy and i are taking the train to a small ontario town which is the closest to banane’s actual town as we can get. we left my house the next morning (if zoltan’s party was the saturday, this was then the monday) at 8:30. we got in at 2.
the day after that, the whole caravan was in oshawa. then back to peterborough the same day. the day after that banane, her partner, and i, and our two collective dogs, left for ottawa. where we spent 3 nights. (3? we went back to peterborough on the 26th). i stayed in peterborough until the 29th, and then daisy and i took the train back to montreal. where i promptly tore apart my apartment, moving the office to the living room and vice versa….until i started work again.

my holiday was lovely. for the most part. banane and i are lovely. we pretty much always are. we drank lots of whisky (her idea, at first i was like, “hells no! where the hell is the liquor store….oh, yeah, not montreal. things close here.”) and chatted and took the doggies for runs in the park. i saw lots of a good friend of mine. we spent time in a small town called sharbot lake where banane’s friends own a cabin. we had nice family time with our step-dad, who i haven’t seen in probably two years.
there was a hitch though, and i’m hoping that it was just because i was so.damned.tired, but i crashed early lots. zoned out a bit. felt….disconnected, or disjointed. sis commented on it. (it could also have been a bit of the tobeyweed…) but that was there. it’s okay, though. i shook it off.

now i’m back at school. spent 45 minutes IN THE FUCKING WAITING LINE at the bookstore today to buy about $200 worth of books. have another grad app due on friday. i’m currently avoiding HOW MUCH REWRITING i have to do on that f***er. wow. so i’m sloooowly getting back into the swing of the things here. it being my last semester. EVER.

got a line on a substitute teaching gig.

got a date on saturday with a boy who makes my heart stop. (there’s a bit of bee insecurity backstory to this one, because i asked him out initially, and then he proposed what to do, i said his suggestion sounded good, and then he *poofed* for 5 days. but a dislocated shoulder gets him forgiven). i only mention this because i NEVER feel like this. like i’m bloody thirteen years old with a picture of donnie wahlberg on my wall. (true story. i kissed him every night). crushes are good.

see? all over the place.
and now i’ve got to do my theory homework before my menstrual cheeseburger buzz wears off (the cheeseburger purchased out of pity for my angry uterus) and so i must run, but i will be back, soon.

OMG HILARIOUSNESS

can we try something different? if you want me to write something specific, i could be up for that. ask me a question. i’ll get back to you. i’m shit at replying to individual comments, i’m sorry about that, but i’ll actually write the posts.

~ by bee on January 6, 2009.