betting on myself

apparently, i need to write, as i can’t concentrate otherwise. life is pretty scary, in what i hope will be pretty good ways, but right now are just plain unnerving.

and i KNOW it’s only the 5th of december, and there is more than 3 weeks for me to figure this all out, but…my finances are in such scary shape.
thank god my bills are all paid in full. it just sucks when i got my holiday pay (requested because i was worried about rent, etc. for january) and it was a lot less than i thought, but that’s still all there was, and when i transferred that to my visa, it didn’t pay my visa off all the way, and then i had to file my grad school applications online and THAT (being that there’s 3) cost me $290…i don’t know if i’ll be able to afford going anywhere for christmas, at this rate. maybe i’m being overdramatic, but there you go. i’m estimating i have about $300 or less of credit on my card, and $6.00 in my chequing account. that’s WITH working my ass off.
i was recently informed by osap (my loan people) that i submitted my financial info wrong, and while on the good side, that means i’m entitled to more funding, on the bad side, it’s frozen until i get things figured out. and my funding was only due to come through on january 1st, anyway. the school doesn’t even open until the 4th, and then after THAT my loan takes about 5 business days to get into my account. so rent might very well be almost half a month late next month.

i’m working a wonderful new job. at a community centre, helping disadvantaged kids with their homework. i love it, although terribly challenging it is. it is also where i met my new crush, but let’s be honest here, as much as i am trying to figure out a way of getting past my shyness and letting him know that i like him, i just have no bloody TIME.

if you want to know where i’ve been lately, it’s been term papers (one 7-page one due on the 26th of november, another 7-page one due on the 27th, as well as a 3-page one); midterms (chaucer – 3 hours, on december 1st); working at the centre 4 days a week, 2 hours a day; finals (one coming up on sunday, another one on wednesday?) and trying to keep all the details of my grad school applications in order. i just realized i’m going to have to send in, by MAIL, my grad application for university of toronto, so it’ll have to be sent off LATEST december 11 or 12, and not the (now seemingly cushy) 15th.

and i don’t even KNOW if i want to go anymore. banane doesn’t want me to. she thinks that if i do go, i’ll be chaining myself to debt for the rest of my life. and i have to agree with her….she bought a house with her inheritance from my mother…i spent mine on my depression and university and surviving the past few hard years….but she can sell her house. it’s equity. she has her own business. i have nothing to show for mine…

i am holding it together. i don’t have time or the, what-did-i-call-it, luxury of having panic attacks or anxiety attacks about any of this. i need to get up every day and i need to work. in order to barely scrape by. i am holding very, very, very strong to the vision of my writing right now (which i haven’t even looked at in about a month, as i’ve been too overwhelmed with school, etc) and praying that i followed it here, to this place, for the right reasons…i knew this day would come and that i am living my dream, or the path to my dream, more like, and that it IS big and it IS frightening as hell and i’m constantly juggling for my basic needs of survival….but this is part of it. the betting on yourself.

right?

oh, and because of the crush i have, guess who i’m pretty sure wants me back now. if anyone guessed field, they would be correct.
(i’m hearing all sorts of, “i’ll always be in love with you…”/”i don’t want to lose you….”/”in so many ways we’re perfect for each other…..”)
sigh. men.
i made a poll! yay! can you help me? feel free to ask me questions in the comments, i’ll refine the poll or answer them accordingly.

~ by bee on December 5, 2008.